🌿 Why Do We Become People Pleasers? A Holistic Look at the Roots of Overgiving
- Aga Furtak
- May 4
- 3 min read
In my work as a holistic trauma-informed therapist, I often meet kind, sensitive souls who have spent a lifetime overextending themselves for others. They rarely ask for what they need. They say "yes" when they mean "no." They carry invisible burdens—believing they must be good, perfect, helpful, agreeable.
Many people pleasers don't even realize they're stuck in a cycle of overgiving until burnout or resentment sets in. They often carry invisible emotional wounds that originated long before adulthood. For some, the pattern stems from a deep #FearOfRejection—a belief that saying “no” or expressing a personal need might lead to being disliked or abandoned.
Others struggle with #LowSelfWorth, linking their value to how useful or accommodating they are to others. These people pleasers often feel unworthy unless they are meeting someone else’s expectations. This mindset frequently develops from #ChildhoodConditioning—when a child learns that love, attention, or safety is earned only through obedience, caretaking, or silence.
Another common trait among people pleasers is the relentless #NeedForValidation. They may constantly seek external praise and approval to feel worthy or secure, especially if they were not emotionally affirmed during formative years. Pleasing becomes a tool for survival—a way to feel seen, safe, or loved.
This maladaptive pattern of coping with dysfunctional childhood known as people pleasing, and it’s far more than a habit—it’s often a deep, embodied survival strategy rooted in emotional, psychological, and even cultural conditioning.
Let’s explore 20 reasons people develop this pattern—insightfully and compassionately—through the lens of holistic healing:
1. Fear of Rejection
Many people pleasers carry a deep fear that saying “no” will make them unlovable, excluded, or abandoned.
2. Low Self-Worth
They may believe their value lies only in how much they can give, do, or fix for others.
3. Childhood Conditioning
For many, approval was earned—not given. As children, they were rewarded for caretaking or obedience, not authenticity.
4. Desire for Validation
They may crave external praise to feel worthy or seen—especially if emotional needs were unmet growing up.
5. Avoidance of Conflict
To avoid tension or disapproval, they suppress their needs and stay silent—even at personal cost.
6. Trauma Response: Fawning
Fawning is a nervous system response. It's the unconscious attempt to stay safe by appeasing perceived threats, especially after emotional or physical trauma.
7. Perfectionism
A desire to be seen as “good” or flawless can keep them trapped in overgiving mode.
8. Cultural or Religious Norms
Some are taught that self-sacrifice is a virtue, and personal needs are selfish or wrong.
9. Fear of Hurting Others
They overestimate the emotional fallout of setting boundaries, imagining they’ll harm others simply by asserting themselves.
10. Lack of Boundaries
Often, they were never taught what healthy boundaries look or feel like, so they default to enmeshment.
11. Addiction to Being Needed
Feeling indispensable becomes a source of identity and false safety.
12. Shame or Guilt
Saying “no” can trigger old shame or guilt—especially for those punished or shamed for speaking up.
13. Need for Control
By managing others’ feelings or expectations, they try to control how they’re seen or how situations unfold.
14. Insecure Attachment Styles
Those with anxious attachment may overgive to avoid abandonment or emotional withdrawal.
15. Caretaker Role in the Family
Many were “the strong one,” “the peacemaker,” or “the emotional parent” as children—and still live that role unconsciously.
16. Kindness as Identity
They confuse being agreeable with being lovable, believing they must please others to be a good person.
17. Difficulty Tolerating Discomfort
Saying “no,” setting limits, or letting someone down creates anxiety they try to avoid.
18. Social Conditioning (Especially for Women)
Messages like “be nice,” “don’t be difficult,” and “smile” are deeply ingrained from girlhood.
19. Unmet Emotional Needs
Pleasing becomes a subconscious attempt to earn love, attention, or emotional safety.
20. Fear of Being Alone
People pleasing is sometimes the price paid to avoid loneliness—even if it means sacrificing authenticity.
🌺 Healing Starts with Awareness
If you recognize yourself in this list, I want you to know this: you are not broken. People pleasing was something you learned to do—likely to survive, feel safe, or gain basic sense of acceptance and belonging.
But here’s the truth: you don’t have to live in overextension. You are worthy of love without overgiving. Your needs matter. Boundaries are not selfish—they’re healthy and sacred.
Holistic therapy offers a gentle and integrative path to healing these patterns. Together, we can explore your nervous system, inner child wounds, core beliefs, and relationship dynamics—bringing compassion to every layer.
When you begin to say “yes” to yourself, something powerful shifts. You start to come home to your true self.
💚 Ready to Begin?
If you're ready to break free from people-pleasing and reclaim your boundaries, voice, and self-worth, I’d be honored to support you.
Visit Balance is Perfection to learn more or book a free 15 minutes consultation.
With warmth and presence,
Aga Furtak
213.728.3600
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