Understanding Covert Narcissism: Manipulative Phrases and Tactics to Watch Out For. #covert narcissism #narcissistic manipulation #Gaslighting #emotional manipulation
Updated: Jan 26

Covert narcissism often involves subtle narcissistic manipulation through tactics like gaslighting and emotional manipulation, leaving victims questioning their reality and self-worth.
Covert narcissism, characterized by subtle and often insidious manipulation tactics, involves individuals who use phrases laced with passive aggression, guilt-tripping, and self-victimization to elicit control, admiration, or compliance. These phrases are not merely words but tools designed to mask the narcissist’s true intentions while maintaining their façade of victimhood or superiority.
Prof. Sam Vaknin, in his writings on narcissism, particularly in Malignant Self Love: Narcissism Revisited, highlights phrases that narcissists—covert or otherwise—use to manipulate and control others while preserving their façade of victimhood or superiority. Below are examples drawn from his analytical style and conceptual framework:
1. Subtle Projection of Superiority
“You’re too emotional; I think logically.”
“You need to stop taking everything so personally.”
These statements serve to dismiss the emotional experiences of others while asserting the narcissist’s supposed rational and objective superiority.
2. Weaponizing Martyrdom
“I give and give, but no one ever gives back.”
“I’m always the one who has to compromise.”
Vaknin discusses how narcissists use such phrases to paint themselves as self-sacrificing victims, eliciting sympathy while subtly blaming others for their perceived neglect.
3. Covert Dismissal of Others’ Achievements
“It’s great that you’ve done this, but it’s not exactly groundbreaking.”
“I could have done the same thing if I had the time.”
Narcissists trivialize the accomplishments of others to maintain their sense of superiority, couching their criticism in feigned support.
4. Feigned Helplessness to Manipulate
“I just don’t know what I’d do without you.”
“You’re the only one who understands me.”
Covert narcissists often employ dependency as a manipulation tool, making their targets feel indispensable while subtly tethering them to the narcissist’s needs.
5. Passive-Aggressive Deflection
“If you don’t want to help me, just say so.”
“Forget it—I’ll handle it myself, like I always do.”
These phrases serve to guilt-trip others into compliance while framing the narcissist as undeservedly burdened.
6. Playing the Victim While Blaming Others
“I don’t know why everyone is always against me.”
“I can’t do anything right in your eyes, can I?”
Such statements allow the narcissist to deflect criticism and turn the focus onto their supposed victimhood, effectively disarming their critics.
7. Gaslighting with Plausible Deniability
“That never happened; you must be imagining things.”
These phrases exemplify the narcissist’s attempt to distort reality and undermine the other person’s perception, leaving them confused and dependent.
8. Veiled Threats Disguised as Benevolence
“I only want what’s best for you, but you’re making it so hard.”
“I’m saying this for your own good.”
Such statements create a double bind where the narcissist claims altruism while subtly asserting control or criticism.
These statements create a double bind, where the narcissist claims to have the other person’s best interests at heart, yet subtly exerts control over them.
By using these manipulative phrases, covert narcissists maintain control over others while preserving the illusion of victimhood or superiority. They are masters of emotional manipulation, carefully crafting their words to destabilize the listener and assert dominance, all while masking their true intentions under layers of plausible deniability.
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